She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
