I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
