Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
