made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
