I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
