I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
