Acid is not a monday night drug
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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