it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
