Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
