when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
