wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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