is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
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