We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
