I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
