I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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