we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Randomize
