So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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