He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
