Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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