I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
