she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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