I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
