a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
