It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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