Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
