The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
