i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
