I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
