she woke up with a sticky ear
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
