Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
