woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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