she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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