I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
