wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Bring me that man meat
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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