so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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