Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
