I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
