Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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