i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Boobs speak an international language.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
