New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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