If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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