I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
