Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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