I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
