Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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