I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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