Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
