If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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