You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
