The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
