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I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Randomize
