i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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