i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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