you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
