Say something about gay babies.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
