We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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