Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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